In Which I Commit Mail Fraud...

I love Words with Friends.

I mean...

I really love it. 

I've got Scrabble issues. 

Is this a safe place for me?

The whole 'Words with Friends' thing...

For me, it should really be called 'Words with Strangers' because with the exception of my Mom and my cousin Christy it's pretty much just whoever I end up with when I hit the 'Pick a Random Opponent' button. 

For the last few weeks I've been playing with the same person. 

We noticed that we were playing at completely different times of the day so the inevitable 'where are you' from question came up. 

When I found out she was from England I got all excited because, come on, it's England.

I told her about a couple trips I'd taken to England and I sent her my blog about England because if there's one thing I'm good at it's pimping my blog. 

She complained about our cruddy television exports. 

I complained about the fact that Downton Abbey is on in England now but won't be on here until the Spring. 

The next thing I knew she had copied the first six episodes and said she was sending them to me 'in the post.'

In the Post...isn't that great?! 

It reminds me of that sign going around Pinterest that says:

 "If I had a British accent I'd never shut up."

So, of course it's probably totally illegal to copy the series and send it to me but...

I've never been so happy about copyright infringements and mail fraud.

The package came in last night. 

It was Par Avion y'all!

Packages that come from overseas are so fun. 

They kinda make me feel like I'm writing to my sweetheart who is off fighting in the Second World War.

Maybe I have one of those 40's hairdo's and a pencil skirt! 

Maybe we're going to dance at the USO!

Maybe I'm going to have to wear a bandanna and rivet...um, rivets...on to airplanes.

I'm potentially taking that too far.

Anyway...

Customs.

Let's just ignore that shall we...

Their mail is 'royal!'

Seriously, England!

I heart it. 

She also sent Jelly Babies for the kids.

And apparently the "Keep Calm and" craze is big there too. 

Except there it makes sense because of the whole actual queen thing. 

I'd write more about England, and Downton Abbey and Words with Friends but I've got some DVD watching to do. 

A 'Spaking'...

Tonight, dear readers...

Fresh from my diary as an eight year old...

I present to you:

A VERY SAD STORY.

Apparently, in 1982...

I was treated unfairly that month when:

my mom spaked me.

Then...

I got angry because:

she wa being on fair.

And because of that:

I got mad.

It's all very sad.

But...

Before you feel too sorry for me...

I'm afraid the evidence is stacked against me.

In my own words:

My family might be better if I:

would cooper cooperoate. 

Oh, the drama of being an eight year old girl!

I love how my Mom wrote the 'cooperate' translation down at the bottom. 

My poor Mom...

I hope she didn't get her feelings hurt because of that nonsense.

Don't you ever just want to go back and shake your former self?

Emily...

It's certainly no secret that I participated in Kindergarten not once but twice.

Yes, I liked Kindergarten so much that once just wasn't enough.

Or something like that.

It's really a good thing that I did it twice though because if I hadn't this might have never happened:

That's my best friend from Elementary school. 

Emily.

Isn't Emily just the greatest name for a best friend?

There she is in the middle of the top row.

There I am in the bottom right.

When we were in the first grade we decided to be best friends.

Our lunchbox cubbies were beside each other.

I found my old diary in the attic of my parent's house tonight.

My favorite food was Chinese and my best friend was Emily.

Apparently, I liked her because she was nice, pretty, and kind.

I'm not sure what year this was. 

I was young enough to think that I was 60 pounds and 5 feet 17 inches tall. 

And young enough to spell pretty: 'part'

Now, we've done grown up.

She married her high school sweetheart. 

I married a boy I went to Kindergarten with. 

Now our boys are in Kindergarten together.

They run fast, love to play outside, giggle frequently

and wear little red t-shirts on field trips.

And now reader...

You have my permission to break out into a Disney power ballad. 

Because this whole best friends thing...

It's really all very:

Tom and Huck

and

David and Jonathan.

Well, that is, except for the whole 'murderous fathers' bit.

Maybe just a small Disney tune then, hmmm?

Buffalo, Buffali, Buffawhy...

Buffalo have got to be some of the strangest looking animals ever. 

Buffalo...hmmm....

What is the plural of buffalo?

Is it just Buffalo?

Or is it Buffali?

And why am I capitalizing it?

Hmm...

Just a few mysteries for the day brought to you from the state of Montana.

I mean...

They've got those dopey horns and that big hump. 

Their hides always look half shaven...

Half shaved?

I mean...

I'm not questioning God or why he allowed certain animals to evolve as they did.

But...

They are pretty weird looking. 

Why is she making fun of buffaloops?

That lovely lady was an attendee at our annual Fall party. 

She was just one of the children falling out at the party. 

I also saw this kid:

Poor thing. 

Slaving it out on the grass.

Good thing there were no buffalo around.

Don't Choose the Red Pill!

The minions stay in a continual state of shock that I don't want to dress up for Halloween.

They just can't understand why anyone would miss the opportunity to pick out a costume and traipse 

around the neighborhood begging for candy. 

Let's face it...

Dressing up was just more fun when I looked like this:

and this

Plus...

Another dang thing happened that made it not as fun.

I learned what is, I assume, the truth about chocolate.

Dang it, Kristen Howerton!

Here is her post with videos on the ethical dilemma of Halloween.

Just in case you don't want to watch it...

And just between me and you - you don't.

...it basically says that ALL the major chocolate companies....

Yes, even Hersheys.

...use slave labor to harvest their cocoa beans.

These videos are horrific.

Just really, really sad. 

So...

Enjoy your Snickers!

Sheesh...

Halloween was more fun when all I was worried about was the fact that I no longer fit into my cave girl outfit.

I kinda feel like Neo in The Matrix when he can either choose to take a pill that will allow him to remain ignorant or the pill that will show him the harsh reality of his world - the red pill.

These videos are kinda like taking the red pill.

And these pills...they ain't chocolate coated.

Stinky Key Lime Pie

I'm always amazed at the ways people find my blog. 

Maybe amazed isn't a good word.

It's more like:

I'm always perplexed by the ways people find my blog. 

I've told you before that Blogger keeps up with which words or phrases people have googled that have led them to a particular blog. 

The stats are fun to keep up with.

So, let me just share with you tonight:

Things People Googled This Week to Get to My Blog


The words in bold and italicized are the words they googled.

Number One:

aka jane random

Okay, that's understandable.

What's funny is that next on the list is:

Number Two:

aka jane radnom

Heck, yeah I'm a 'rad nom'!

It kinda sounds like an evil robot doesn't it.

Like I'm some sort of Caprica slash Battlestar Galactica species.

Number Three:

Cathedral Caverns State Park

Boring.

I mean, it's a cool place but a boring google search.


I assume they were looking for this post I did on a field trip we took here. 

Number Four:

People in ski clothing wearing ski bibs

That's...odd

I mean...

Why?

Why did someone want to google this?

I suppose they found this post on how fabulous I looked wearing ski bibs.

Number Five:

Why does my Key Lime Pie stink?


Um...Because it's key lime pie!

Alrighty....

Melanzanella (my lap top) is acting up so I need to speed this post along.

So...

Other things people searched for to find my blog:

Italian Parenting
Arctic Lego Cake
"rachelmommy"
gross things kids do
big dog phobia

All those make sense except for:

RachelMommy.

Okay...

Fess up.

If you got here by searching for rachelmommy comment below because I'm at a loss.

What the heck is a rachelmommy?

And what post did they find with it?

It's odd.

Perplexing.

Googling can be perplexing.

What if when we didn't know someone's name we just shouted out things about them in the real world?

I thought about this at church yesterday.

We sit next to the same dude every week.

I don't know why.

I guess we just both like the left hand side of the room.

I started to talk to him yesterday but realized I couldn't remember his name.

When I looked at him all I thought was:

"Engineer! Lives in west Huntsville! Single! Dresses Conservative!"

To bad I couldn't throw in a "Bob! Jim! Harry!" or whatever the guy's name is.

What does this have to do with Key Lime Pie?

Well...

Well, actually nothing.

I was just monologuing.

Or monogoogling.

Or something like that...

And Then I Passed Out...

Round about the time I was spending inordinate amounts of time wearing this get up:

and 

Dad was wearing this get up:

Wilson Lumber had a Grand Opening for the new building. 

There was a coke truck, a helium tank, and a popcorn wagon.

Helium is like electricity to me. 

It know it exists but I don't understand how or why it works. 

The world is full of mysteries. 

Electricity is magic and all that business.

Anyway...

The helium tank was a fun place to hang out. 

It was near the popcorn machine and who ever had been talked into to wearing the pink panther costume that day. 

It was especially fun once I discovered what would happen when I sucked the helium.

Come on, that voice is funny!

I'm sure I'm remembering the story completely correctly when I say that I was innocently standing next to the helium tank when my brother Robb and my cousin Eric began to encourage me to suck the helium. 

Robb and Eric: It's a combination that results in all kinds of tomfoolery.

Yes, what happened next was 100% their fault. 

The more helium I sucked the funnier my voice sounded and so I just kept sucking and they just kept encouraging it.

Unfortunately, at this point my head began to feel really heavy.

Which, can I just say, is weird because it makes balloons so light...

I didn't heed that as a warning sign and just kept using the helium. 

The next thing I knew I was in a different part of the store waking up in my Mom's lap.

I had passed out!

I had passed out and they had to carry me to my Mom. 

Crazy.

We bought a helium tank at Party City yesterday for a big Fall shin dig we had. 

It was pink. 

I just love helium. 

Or He on the Periodic Table of the Elements.

Who couldn't love something that results in balloons?

And funny voices?

And passing out?

Oh...

Well, you should just ignore that last one.

Reveille...

Remember at Summer Camp when you woke up to the sounds of Reveille?

Or maybe I should say:

Remember when you watched that movie about summer camp and the kids woke up to the sound of Reveille?

And yes, it took some major googling to remember exactly what that word was. 

Revelry? Reverie? Revery? 

All three of the above words are legitimate words but none of them mean Reveille.

In case you have no idea what I'm talking about you can click this link to have a listen.

This morning I had a lot to do and when I woke up I kind of heard Reveille in my head.

The husband was busy doing P90X.

I can't imagine why he complains about working out when the kids are awake.

I mean, what could be so difficult about exercising while the kids are up?

I was not busy P90Xing. 

I was addressing invitations to my cousin Rachel's baby shower.

I've blogged about Rachel's family before.

As I addressed I would occasionally write notes on the back. 

Because postmen probably get bored and because my Mom needed to know:

"Don't worry I used my fancy handwriting on the other invites."

And this one to my sister:

"I guess you think your special because I had to write 'Dr' on the front of your name."

It's a good thing there were no babies crawling on me or I couldn't have been so witty.

 Although, in retrospect, maybe I should have saved the wit to remember the word Reveille.

Because that was a lot of googling. 

Crayola Washable Markers...

Blast it, Crayola...

When you say washable on the marker it should really come with an asterisk attached to it.

Hmmm....the word asterisk.

Wait!! Rabbit Trail!!

How much did you love the cartoon Asterix and Obelix?

Those two little faces just make me feel happy. 

Giddy, almost.

Asterix and Obelix were the one thing that my brother Robbie and I agreed on. 

Well, that and Steak 'Ums. 

And come on, everyone loves Steak 'Ums.

Anyway...

Crayola markers...

They really aren't that washable. 

How do I know that?

A few days ago the baby woke up and began to play in her crib. 

There were all kinds of happy noises coming from the crib.

I didn't get her up immediately because:

A) I was busy*

B) She was happy

and 

C) Does there really need to be a C? 

Don't judge me - hanging out in her crib for a few minutes because I'm busy* won't hurt her.

Anyway, after fifteen minutes of her squealing and giggling in her crib I began to ponder the very important questions:

What was so dang great about being in that crib?

and

Why isn't she crying?

This is what I found:

"Good morning, dearest Mother!"

"Thank You for dressing me in zip up pajamas that I can easily take off."

"And when you see my brothers, please thank them for leaving magic markers where I could reach them."

"What do you mean, 'I'm in trouble?' It was those boys' fault!"

Sigh. 

And no, it didn't all 'wash' off easily.

This blog not brought to you by Crayola.

______________________________

*Busy sleeping

What She's Better At...

My friend Liz...

I've blogged about her before

...is really good at this whole wife thing. 

I realized this when I walked in her house the other day and saw these signs on the window:

Go Miami and all that.

See, Liz was out of town and she had left a box for her family to open for each day she was gone. 

The gift she left for Saturday was signs that she had made for game day. 

Her husband is a Miami fan. 

Awww...

Isn't that cute?

"Quit blogging about me. I'm busy taking pictures."

Ya know what I sent Billy a couple days ago?

This picture:

With the accompanying message: 

"Why did you send me to the stinkin' grocery for berries if they were just going to be be out!"

It's really my gentle and loving spirit that he appreciates the most. 

I should probably quit blogging and go work on that. 

Get To Work...

Last week I was looking through our wedding photos and came across this little batch of beauties.

The day of the wedding 'we' lined my Aunt and Uncle's driveway with luminaries since that's where we were having the reception. 

Now I use the term 'we' loosely because as these pictures will show I had absolutely nothing to do with it. 

The day of the wedding I think I was getting a mani/pedi or some such. 

But looking at these pictures made me thing that maybe I was there. 

In fact, when I looked at these pictures I kind of envision myself with a whip saying:

"Get back to work!"

"No wedding punch without work!"

As you can see various and sundry family members were raiding the lumber company's  sandpile to fill the bags. 

My cousin Mark. 

Totally cute, huh?

"Get those bags filled!"

"Quit standing around!"

"Hey you kids in the back! Get to work!"

Was my Aunt Carol driving that thing?

Wow.

Why didn't anyone teach me to drive something like that?

Hmm...

Well, it wasn't me cracking the whip that day but it must have been someone. 

It all worked out. 

We got hitched. 

Speaking of work I took the kids with me to the car wash the other day. 

There really wasn't much work done.

See...

They've realized the vacuums can attach to their cheeks. 

I have no idea why they do this.

I never said they were normal.

They've also realized that the vacuum can be used to create 'totally awesome' hairstyles.

They would love the Flobee system.

"Are you making fun of us?"

Why, yes.

I am. 

Which is better than making you work, right?

Screen Capture...

This week we are going to need to add something to the ever growing list of:

"Things I'm Not Technologically Capable of Doing"

Ladies and Gentlemen, 

Let me introduce you to the Screen Capture.

For those of you without iPhones the screen capture is this wildly useful tool that let's you take a picture of whatever is on the screen of your phone at the time. 

My Mom is capable of it. 

My husband is capable of it. 

At this point I thing even a zombie is capable of it. 

I, however, am not. 

Why is it important?

Well, it's not of course. 

You're reading a dang blog. It's not ancient Chinese literature.

Anyway...

Well, tonight I was going to blog about things I've had to search for on the Internet lately and I was going to use ye olde screen capture to take a picture of my list. 

But no. 

So I'll just tell you about it. 

Hmmm...Now the temptation to lie is starting. 

I could always say I was looking up things way cooler than I actually did...

Wait! Am I typing this out loud?!

Here we go:

The Things I've Searched For on Google List:

1) The Walking Dead 

I made the mistake of starting this series on Netflix one night at 11 pm. 

I watched the entire season in one night. 

This prompted the next search:

2) Historical basis for zombies

Should I be as scared of zombies as I am? 

Google says no! Thank you, Google. 

I probably shouldn't have read The Passage by Cronin last year either. 

3) Eat This Not That Johnny Rockets

Yeah, so it's not that easy to eat healthy at Johnny Rockets. 

I mean, you would have thought that those fries with that hunk of cheese melted on them would have been healthy, right?

"No, you wouldn't"

4) Morecambe

I'm playing Words With Friends right now with a character from Morecambe, England.

 I googled it to see what it was like. 

Know thine enemy and all that. 

You can just call me Sun Tzu.

5) How to screen capture

Thanks for nothin' Google. I still can't do it. 

6) Travelogue

I used to go to these...

Um...

Kitshcy?

Fun?

Odd?

Awesome?

...Travelogues with my parents. 

Some dude would stand up and tell about his recent trip to Bavaria or some such while showing his pictures and videos. I stinkin' loved those things. 

They still do them. So I was checking when they were going to be held so I could inflict them introduce them to the eight year old.

Lastly I looked up:

7) How to Bowl

Kids, I'm bad. 

I mean, seriously, awful.

I took this one the other night. 

I scored a 67. 

This was with the bumpers up. 

I don't know. 

I mean...

Really, it's not a surprise. 

If I can't figure out the screen capture how can I figure out the fundamentals of bowling?

I do love those shoes though.

____________________________________

For anyone left over from yesterday's Auburn post here are some other things I've had to say about Auburn. 

Why College Football Matters

Toomer's Corner

Summer Quarter in Auburn

A Wild Night in Auburn

The National Championship

I was going to link them all and then I realized I'd written eight pages worth of blogs about Auburn. 

So, here is your assignment:

See the thing at the left that says 'search this blog'?

Type Auburn in and you can read to your hearts content.